


listen before i go

by emeraldsapphic



Series: you, me, and the songs that keep me up at night; [3]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Jos Verstappen's A+ Parenting, M/M, Max Centric, Suicidal Thoughts, all of the characters except max are just mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:47:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27265954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emeraldsapphic/pseuds/emeraldsapphic
Summary: last wishes. it was mandatory.but his weren’t wishes. they were accusations.you hurt me! and you hurt me! and you hurt me too! and you - god you - i thought you could never hurt me, but you did.
Relationships: Charles Leclerc/Max Verstappen - one sided / implied, Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen, Lando Norris & Max Verstappen, Lando Norris/Carlos Sainz Jr, Pierre Gasly/Charles Leclerc
Series: you, me, and the songs that keep me up at night; [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1973971
Comments: 8
Kudos: 27





	listen before i go

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: this fic deals with heavy topics. please read the tags carefully, the tags never lie.
> 
> inspired by billie eilish's listen before i go.
> 
> i want to leave billie's comment to her song here. this is mainly the reason i wrote this.
> 
> "writing this song was very therapeutic. it forced me to voice my feelings and get on the other side of them.  
> instead of doing the things i thought i needed to do, i made them into art and let them rest.  
> hoping it makes the listener feel less alone"
> 
> enjoy and take care!
> 
> oh and sorry for the lower case, i usually don't write the actual fics in it, but i wrote this at 4 am last night. hope you don't mind.

and max digged his nails in his cheeks, the pain weirdly relieved his senses for a second, before catapulting him back to sorrow the moment after. right where he belonged.

he could feel the tears streaming between his fingers, salty water accumulating in his palms.

max dragged his skin down, sobbing through the pain, burying his knuckles in his eyes.

he could feel the coldness of the concrete wall on his back. his legs were sore.  
he buried his head in his knees.

sobbing, loud loud sobbing.

glad - oh so glad - he couldn’t hear.

he never did anyway.

_Tell me love is endless, don't be so pretentious  
Leave me like you do_

max was hungry for air, trying to grasp any oxygen he could.

and for what reason?  
was fighting so worth it in the end? 

the temptation to let go was strong. so strong - oh god - he wanted his nails to dig right through his skull, to pick at his nerves, to tug at his veins and rip them open.

he wished it was easier.  
he wished he was stronger.

but he was weak.

he glanced at his kitchen floor, why was the knife there?

oh.

he had grabbed it in a raptus, then dropped it when he had realized what he was about to do.

it was mocking him.

so so weak.

what would he say?  
what would victoria say?  
what would his mother say?  
what would his - god no - max didn’t want to think about it.

could he have made it seem like an incident?  
‘what an idiot’ rather than an ‘oh poor boy!’

max didn’t want pity.

was it selfish?

yes. yes. yes.

he was weak.

maybe if he called someone! maybe he’d come! he could kiss him for the last time!

no. no. no.

he was too weak to say goodbye.  
he knew seeing him would make him change his mind.  
he knew if he showed up, he would have stopped him.

saved him?  
no.  
he was saving himself.

he was selfish.

_If you need me, wanna see me  
Better hurry 'cause I'm leavin' soon_

he gave in. he waited. but no one showed up. he didn't show up. he never showed up.

and max bit his lip so hard he tasted iron.  
it mixed perfectly well with the bitterness on his tounge.

weak, so so weak.

he grabbed something. why was it there? 

right.

last wishes. it was mandatory.  
but his weren’t wishes. they were accusations.

you hurt me! and you hurt me! and you hurt me too! and you - god you - i thought you could never hurt me, but you did.

petty until the end. sad and broken until the end. angry until his last breath. the lack of self-awareness almost as deep as the lack of serenity.

the pen mocked him, even more than the knife had.

it was blue. blue as the team that had brought them together and tore them apart. blue and what other color was missing?

red? 

oh well - that was coming soon.

he grabbed it. it hurt more than the blade.  
to write everything. the pen spilled more blood than the knife would have.

which one to blame first?  
which one to blame the most?

ah- 

jos. i hate you. you deserve nothing but hatred. you were right. you made me your exact copy. disgusting and vicious. broken. rotten. furious. you have nothing to be proud of. i hope my death will weigh on your conscience - if you even have one - forever. hope it will kill you from the inside - if your soul hasn’t already died - it must have been already dead when you sent me to the hospital for the first time. and when you’ll eventually end up rotting in hell, just hope you won’t find me there. cause i’ll be waiting.

_Taste me, the salty tears on my cheek  
That's what a year long headache does to you _

mom. i am sorry. i am so so sorry. nothing i will say with make this better.  
victoria. take care of mom. i know you will. i love you both. hope you'll forgive me. you have nothing to forgive yourselves for.

_Sorry can't save me now  
Sorry I don't know how _

christian. thank you for believing in me. thank you for trying to protect me. you were more of a father than i ever deserved. sorry i couldn't win for you. sorry i was too weak. say sorry to the team from me. be nice to the guys. they deserve love.

_Call my friends and tell them that I love them  
And I'll miss them _

charles. i am sorry things ended up like they did. you weren't the enemy. you were never the enemy. my love for you - it scared me - the first boy i ever loved. boy! and look at you now! what a man you have become. i hope the championship fight won't be too boring without me. i am proud of you. i am sorry i didn't give much of a fight. i am sure pierre will do well. tell him i am sorry, too. tell alex the same thing. sorry.

lando. my baby muppet. i am sorry. i know you will be hurt. i know you will blame yourself. don't. you were the light i never deserved. please never stop smiling. don't lose hope. i know you actually cared. i am so so sorry lando. thank you for trying. and good luck with carlos. be brave. confess. life is too short. one last thing. take care of _him_ for me. please.

sobbing. sobs over sobs. hiccups. tears. could he leave it at that? did he have to write about him too?  
he couldn't. 

daniel.

daniel. 

daniel. 

nails digging in his wrists. 

shaking.

the pen almost snapped in half.

daniel. how can i do this to you? how am i so cruel and selfish? i don't want to tell you that you were everything to me. i know you will blame yourself. if i told you what i really think - i know you. i know you. i know you and i love you. i love you so fucking much.  
how can i do this to you? please hate me. stop blaming yourself. i am an asshole. i let you go. i fucked you up. i poisoned you.

i am so sorry my love. i wish it was different. i wish i was different. you deserved better. you deserved more. more than i could have ever given you. more than the world as a whole. you were my everything.

oh god - will you blame yourself? or will you not care? did i hurt you that much daniel - that my death will come as a relief? oh god - i hope i did. i want your hatred, not your pain. oh my god daniel. i hope you'll scoff reading this, or i hope you won't read this at all.

to whoever finds me - oh my god daniel - i hope you don't find me like this. will you find me like this? no please. if i don't answer the door. don't come in. i know you still have my keys. please don't find me like this. you'll feel sick. i will have made you sick of me, for the second, third, fourth time. i am fucking rotten.

i am so so sorry daniel. i pretend like i don't know. it makes me feel less like an asshole. this will you fuck you up. no matter how much you hate me. just like it didn't matter how much i loved you. it was too much for you.  
i wish i would have told you. maybe i could have convinced you. or maybe you just never loved me back.  
and i don't blame you daniel. how could you have ever loved me? how could the sun ever love a thunderstorm?

oh my sweet lovely daniel. you were my everything. you kept me alive for so long. oh god daniel - why am i even saying this to you? please, please, please stop reading. stop. do something else. go laugh. go scream. listen to your favorite song. the one you used to sing last year. you must remember which one.

don't hold me. don't touch me. let me go for good. don't cry. don't take your cap off. i don't deserve your respecct, your pain. i'd rather you be angry at me. shout at me. kick me. punch me. stab me. i don't care. please my love, don't cry, don't you ever waste your tears for me. don't waste any time mourning over me, i already wasted your time enough.

thank you for being the best thing that ever happened to me.

max stopped. he let the pen fall by his side as he laid down on the kitchen floor, staring at the ceiling.  
his body was drained of any energy.

he couldn't even pick up the still perfectly clean knife laying next to him.

he was numb again.

the knife still mocked him, while the pen, on the other hand, had started pitying him, instead.

he closed his eyes as the last few tears remaining in his body escaped from his eyelids.  
he let out a shaky breath.

_Sorry_

**Author's Note:**

> if you need help, feel the same way, or need someone to talk to, i am here for you.
> 
> find me on tumblr: [@racinglesbian](https://racinglesbian.tumblr.com/)
> 
> i love you.


End file.
